BREAKING: Julius Randle Declares Timberwolves a Superteam, Starts Practicing Postgame Championship Speeches
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — In what experts are calling “the greatest plot twist since Game of Thrones season 6,” Julius Randle has returned from injury and turned the Minnesota Timberwolves into the offensive juggernaut no one asked for — but everyone fears.
Since his return two weeks ago, the Timberwolves are 7-0, and Randle has done everything short of bringing Kevin Garnett out of retirement. League insiders are now referring to Minnesota’s new style of play as “five-out, no-doubt,” while others have dubbed it “Randletopia.”
“He’s a point guard. He’s a center. He’s a wing. He’s a corner shooter who doesn’t hit corner shots,” said one very sweaty opposing coach. “It’s like guarding a blender.”
In Randle’s absence, the Timberwolves were good. But with him back? They've essentially reinvented basketball. NBA sources confirm that Steve Kerr watched recent Wolves game tape and quietly wept into a Steph Curry jersey.
Randle’s off-ball movement has become a thing of legend. His sneaky baseline cuts, aggressive dunker-spot positioning, and majestic screen-setting have reportedly caused at least two opposing power forwards to retire midgame and open coffee shops.
But the real innovation has been how the Wolves now treat Rudy Gobert — formerly the “guy who clogs the lane” and now simply “deep dunker.” This revolutionary term is NBA code for “stand here and try not to ruin it.”
“Our plan is simple,” Coach Chris Finch said. “Julius gets the ball. Everyone else moves out of the way. Including Rudy, who we’ve politely placed in a timeout corner.”
Analysts note that the Timberwolves’ offense is so smooth now that even Ant Edwards has voluntarily passed the ball. “I saw Randle post up,” Edwards said. “And I thought, ‘Why not? He looks like he’s about to do something French.’”
Since January 7th — now known in Minnesota as Randependence Day — the Wolves have achieved a +10.5 net rating when Gobert and Randle are on the floor together. The secret? Geometry.
“We place Randle on the left side,” Finch explained while drawing triangles in the air. “We place Gobert somewhere in South Dakota. Boom. Spacing.”
Still, there are questions. Randle is shooting 34% on catch-and-shoot threes, which means defenses regularly abandon him like a Netflix original series after two seasons. But this, too, is a strategic advantage.
“When defenders help off Randle,” Finch said, “we call that a ‘decoy of destiny.’ Because even if he bricks it, he draws attention. And sadness.”
As the playoffs approach, the Wolves are preparing for all scenarios: switching defenses, zone traps, and Rudy Gobert attempting to dribble. With Randle's positional versatility and Ant’s ascending superstardom, opponents have begun preemptively filing for emotional support animals.
Meanwhile, Julius Randle remains humble. “I’m just here to help the team,” he said while holding up a whiteboard that read RANDALL > MJ?
NBA fans everywhere are bracing themselves for what could be the most unpredictable playoff run since the time the Knicks almost mattered.
Stay tuned for more updates as the Wolves prepare for battle — or at least for an intense second-round exit.
